White Water Rafting Through the Narrows
January 23rd, 2007 at 3:48 pm by Dee O'Neil Andrews
Lately, the posts at Finding Direction have been upbeat and light hearted and I certainly am that way myself. It is obvious to you all, I'm sure.
But there have been times in my life when it has not been so. So, right now I want to post a serious Finding Direction post for any of you, or for anyone you know, who has or who is suffering from depression.
Depression is an insidious disease and that is no more true than for a Christian because when we, as Christians, are overtaken by depression, we feel as if, or are told by others, that it is caused by some defect within ourselves.
I know better because I have fought the demon depression and do still. It is a millstone around my neck that I live with daily, ever fighting, ever guarding against it.
Right now, I am in a very good place in my life. But that has not always been so.
I've written here before some about suffering from depression throughout my life from the time I was about 15. It still plagues me on occasion, but not in the hideous ways it used to grab hold of me and not let go. Those days, at least I hope and think, are long past.
Well, I say long, but the last time I went through a very serious depression it lasted I'd say for more than two years and was not that long ago. It began early in the year 2000 and lasted until sometime well into 2003. Even then it was severe enough that I functioned very poorly some days.
Why, you ask, do I write about this now when all is well and good and happy. And I must say, I'm happier right now than I've ever been in my entire life. Very much so.
I write because I want to be a person of encouragement for any of you who read who have bad days and bad times and hard times and even times that you, too, cannot function and feel you cannot hold on another moment in this life because you are so overwhelmed. I don't know if any of you readers today feel that way or have ever felt that way. If not, you most likely know someone who does. I certainly have.
The last serious depression I suffered, and it does cause one to suffer, terribly, I felt totally worthless and without hope of ever being any better.
How, do you ask, can a Christian ever feel that way? I cannot tell you how or why or explain depression's grip. It is not a matter of lack of faith or accomplishment or lack of sanity. I truly cannot explain it, I just know that it IS and that it is sometimes a part of my life.
For me, it must be worked through and worked around and sometimes just accepted for a while. During some of those days I last suffered from major depression I would sleep until sometimes 3 or 3:30 in the afternoon. I would many times stay in bed until 1 or 1:30, then get up and dressed and go back to sleep on the sofa.
One interesting thing about it is that I was able to hide it very well. I functioned in a way some days doing what I absolutely had to do, but the rest of the time was just a blur. Tom did not even know what was going on. I hid it well, even from him.
I think now looking back it was a major mid life crisis I went through that occurred in my early 50s. I think we all will go through such crises, if not that severely, at least in a scope that will change our thinking radically as a result.
I don't know that I've ever really "believed" in such a thing as a mid-life crisis. I know in my 40s, when we most think of people having them, I excelled and did very well. Tom and I were married, I went to law school, became an attorney.
But then in my early 50s it suddenly all fell apart.
I lost the last job I had as an attorney. In one day without warning. I've not told a lot of people that. I did other things for a while and did free lance legal work, too, but the depression had already begun. I got to where I couldn't even do those things. I stopped answering the phone and would not speak to anyone. I would lie on the sofa and listen to the answer machine and then erase the messages before Tom came home.
I would say I'm not proud of how I was, but that implies I had some control over it and for the most part I didn't. Loss of ability to be "gainfully employed," looming law school debt, financial burdens caused by my lack of ability to find another job all ate away at me. It's not like I didn't try. I went to the employment agency weekly after I lost my job and was on a pittance of temporary unemployment seeking any job for which I might be qualified, which in most cases was extremely overqualified.
I can deeply empathize with people who may have lost jobs. It is a terrible blow in life and causes severe disruption in a person's personal life, social life, internal being and in the soul. The feeling of being totally worthless and nothing but a burden is overwhelming.
My children were all long grown and no longer in need of my daily guidance, Tom was promoted about then and took on many added responsibilities as well as a hefty raise, so that helped considerably.
Of course I prayed and kept my faith through all. I did not blame God or question that He was in control and I prayed that he would lead me to a better place where I would know what I was supposed to do.
I felt as if I were white water rafting through the narrows down the rapids and barely clinging on for dear life.
God did bring me through. He did keep me safe from myself. He kept me in one piece enough to endure and to finally see the calmer river ahead.
I cannot tell you how exactly He did it, but I will say this - I never completely gave up my deep faith that He would. I may have hung on some days by just a thread, but I did hang on.
As I look back I see that I was rescued from that raft on the rapids in ways that have changed me radically and dramatically. I am not the same person I was before, but changed forever, I think. I know now that nothing can come in the future that will take me to that specific place again because I have found a new worth and new depth and new value to who I am.
Part of the reason I write today to tell you all of these things is to thank each of you who are still reading. Because, you see, you are part of what has changed my life for the better. I have discovered my voice again through writing and through this blog. I am a writer and a philosopher and a deeply devoted wife and Christian, most of all. Thanks to you who read here every day, I can share what I know because of what I've learned.
The most important thing I want to share with you today is that you must never give up in this life on yourself or anything or anyone else. Turn it all over to God to do with it what He will and you will emerge triumphant. Maybe not even in this lifetime. I know and understand that. But in the end of this life - as we step across the chasm to the next new eternal day - God will be there to greet us and to welcome us to our happy new home where depression and despair are not to be found.
I welcome you each here, too, with any burdens you want to share. How else can I be after God has so graciously blessed me?
It takes courage to write with gut level honesty. I know several people who need to read this for they would be encouraged! Thanks for opening a door to one of the darker closets (I assume) if your heart. You have no idea how God can take this to minister to someone you’ll never know on this earth.
I want to thank you too Dee, Because I Go in too Deep Depression, the wost time, was when I was 19, But God save me from myself , and I’m so glad he did. and Then when I was 30, I thought my life was over, but it wasn’t, and then just be fore this ice storm hit I was going into a Depression, and this may weird, but that Storm saved me, As i was takeing those pictures of the ice, I could feel God telling me things, that I needed to hear!
Just want to thank you all for being,a blessing to me!
Dearest Janice =
I know from the submissions you’ve sent me for the light hearted “2nd Annual Finding Direction Winter Desktop Photo Contest” that you are a very creative person, because your entries in the contest have been stunning.
It has been my experience, as a creative person myself, that creative people tend toward depression more than most. For that reason, I wrote what I did to try to encourage others.
I’m glad that even one person - Yourself - was encouraged by what I had to say. It was not easy to say nor do I like to talk about it, but I wrote what I did to try to encourage others among my readers, who I KNOW are out there who need to be encouraged.
It is a difficult subject to discuss, so thank YOU for your comment talking about your own struggles with this insidious and unrelenting disease, for that is what it is.
Thankfully, I myself, am free from it right now in this happy period of my life. Yet, I will say that I am on an anti-depressent even now to keep me from harm’s way.
I’m happy to say that there is, today, medical help for what ails us and I hope you find and will avail yourself of that help. I must say that without the aid of good anti-depressant medication, I am not sure where I would be, but fear it would be not as well as I am right now this minute, thank God - and I do.
Blessings to you and to all who read these words who may suffer from the debilitating effects of depression. It seems to have no mercy in who it attacks, but our Father does and will keep us safe through all.
So, Cheers to you all, my friends! Cheers!
Dee
P. S. Thanks to you, too, Greg, for your comment.
Thanks!
What a poignant post, Dee! You’ve really poured your heart into this one. I pray that it will be a benefit to mann!
Blessings,
-bill
thanks for sharing, Dee
I will come out of the closet…
I finally went to my doctor after knowing for years that I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed by three different doctors with a mild, yet chronic, form of depression–dysthymia. No despair, but impacting and hindering my life in many ways, for weeks at a time, at least twice a year.
I am also dealing with how my “unusual” childhood continues to affect me in therapy. accepting all these things hasn’t been fun and it may get worse before it gets better, but I have been open about it with friends, family, and my church family. I know I will be stronger in the long run.
I will probably blog some personal stuff at some point, but wanted to give you the exclusive, since you opened up.
God bless you
Thank you, Brian -
How can I not thank you when you have bared your soul with us. And I thank you again.
It is only when we acknowledge and accept who and what we truly are that we can be accepted by each other and by God. And He knows all that is with us, as I fully know that you know.
Thank YOU for “coming out of the closet” for it is only when we each and every one who suffer from depression can acknowledge and accept who and what we truly are that we can be healed. We learn acceptance from each other and learn to love one another by what we acknowledge.
Kudos to you, Brian. Kudos and God’s grace be with you.
Dee
Thank you, Dee, for your thoughts & words. You are encouraging to me in many ways, & I enjoy your posts when they’re lighthearted AND when they delve into your personal life. I was recently talking with a group of friends from church, & one was talking about some experiences she’s been having, and another was able to relate and encourage her to seek medical help for the possibility of depression. It’s when we are willing to open up and talk about what we’ve been through, show our weaknesses AND our strengths in overcoming them, we can help others who endure what we did. We can show them it’s okay to seek help.
Well, I was long overdue to send you an email anyway. So there’s my long comment instead.
Hope you’ve been doing well. The house is looking good & I am really excited for you!
God’s peace to you Dee. We have all been blessed, but sometimes our eyes are clouded with suffering so we don’t see it.
I saw your note on the Rev’s Ramblings. You might be interested in these talks by Olan Hicks that he gave at Cecil Walker’s church a few days ago entitled: Divorce and Remarriage: Tradition Vs. the Bible
http://www.cocoachurch.org/listen.html
Scroll down to Olan Hicks.
Peace.
I’m a day or two behind, but wanted to say thank you for this post. It’s so encouraging to read how others have dealt with depression. And the comments have been just as encouraging as your post.
I have battled with depression off and on since my teenage years. There have been times when I needed medication, and other times when I could “tough” it out. For the last several years, I have been depression-free, even amidst fairly stressful life changes. (Most of the changes have been very HAPPY changes, albeit stressful ones). However, in the last few months, I’ve been dealing with medication-induced low-grade depression (while being pregnant), and I’ve had quite a few anxious moments wondering what might happen after the baby is born (in 6-7 weeks). I’ve tried NOT to worry about the possibility of post-partum depression, and I’m praying about it constantly.
So, again… thank you for the post. You are such a source of encouragement, Dee! God Bless You!
Dee, I feel very honored that you shared your battle with depression. You have a powerful ministry already as you minister to both Christians and non-Christians who struggle with depression. Thank you for helping to explode the myth that Christians are perfect as well as impervious to the diseases that wage havoc upon all of us. The difference maker is the one who you gave the glory to, God.â€
May God continue to bless you and Tom everyday and thank you for being a part of this blog church.
I haven’t chimed in yet, today, so need to again here. Thanks to all of you for your comments! They are much appreciated and very heartening to me.
And ZZ - thanks for the link to the Olan Hicks mp3s on marriage and divorce. I listened to all three of them this afternoon in their entirety and they were very informative and uplifting and encouraging to me about another subject that is dear to my heart because of all of the hurts it causes and has caused even me in the past.
Just as with depression, the topic of divorce can be a very painful one for a Christian because there are so many misunderstandings about what Scripture actually says, as opposed to what man (and churches) have instituted that have caused deep pain and anguish to people who suffer through divorces. That is a totally different form of suffering and one that is oftentimes only magnified by people in churches who are highly misinformed about what their attitude should be toward those going through the pains of divorce, and it is always painful.
Olan Hicks is a very wise and compassionate man who knows whereof he speaks and his words today ministered to me greatly, so thanks once again for the link! Y’all check it out. I played the three sessions on Windows Media Player and was very encouraged by what I heard.
Char - If when your baby comes you need to take an anti-depressant, please ask your doctor for a prescription. My wonderful daughter-in-law suffered from severe post-partum depression after the birth of her first child, Zoe, but was able to get the help she needed to overcome it very well.
With a heads up about it, she was prepared for Hannah’s birth later and able to prevent it from getting bad.
I will be praying for you and the baby and that all will go well. I hope that you will not undergo post-partum depression, but if that should happen, there are excellent medications you’ll be able to take to take care of you and not do any harm to the baby, either.
Good luck!
Thanks for this post Dee. I do know that I’ve suffered from situational types of depression, mostly as a result of transitional times in my life triggered by changes in seasons (like Seasonal Affective Disorder) or other events (like losing a job). I’ve learned how to recognize what’s happening and it’s not quite as scary as it once was. I usually notice it first by rereading journal entries. Like it is for you, writing is as much therapy as it is for encouragement to others. It’s good for people to find out we’re never alone. Thanks again.
Dee, I echo the others thanks for sharing with us in this very personal way. I get a little blue from time to time but can usually fight it off…however, I see how easy it would be to slip into full depression. You amaze me with your incredible faith through such dark periods. Thank you for sharing with us. We appreciate and love you.