A View From My Heart This Afternoon
February 25th, 2008 at 4:17 pm by Dee O'Neil Andrews
In my depression, sometimes I feel as if I'm alone in the world and that no one else has a clue to who I really am. Not even Tom, who knows me better than anyone else in the world, and has for nearly 30 years, although we've only been married 17 (as of this coming Sunday, which is also my birthday).
I'm suffering from extreme anxiety this afternoon and all because I want to go see my mom. I've been homesick, now, for several weeks.
Chalk it up to the depression, or because of her age (now 86), or maybe just because I haven't seen her since last July. Whatever it is, it is real.
Well, you say - then, why don't you go see her?
My answer . . .? The reason I'm so anxiety ridden is because I have made plans to go see her.
I know - it doesn't make sense, but then, any more my life doesn't. It seems to be cast adrift in some unknown territory, from which I cannot return.
I got online this afternoon and bought a ticket to go see her out in Abilene in a couple of weeks and plan to stay for a week and a half. I talked with Tom as I was doing it, to obtain his approval - although I know I always have his utmost blessing, and called my mom to make sure that met with her "schedule." Not that she has one, you understand.
It did.
So, I booked a ticket and charged it to our credit card. So far, so good.
But, that was when I began to feel really anxious about the whole thing. Leaving Tom (although he doesn't mind and he is gone a lot). Being gone. Wondering whether I should have spent the money. Wondering if I could handle all of the stress of the trip, dealing with going, the airports, changing flights in Dallas going on to Abilene, on and on.
Things that would have "once upon a time" been exceedingly easy for me, one who could always handle everything well.
Which brings me back to how I'm feeling this afternoon. As if no one else ever in the universe has ever felt this way. So anxiety ridden in the face of something that should be a good thing in every way. Going home to see Mom.
* * * * *
I went out on the deck and sat in the sun for the longest time while ago. Trying to regain my bearings and perspective.
It's hard these days.
* * * * *
I hope and pray that you never suffer from the kind of depressions I have, including the one now. In many ways, this time - now with the new medication - I'm doing better. But, I wonder if it is enough. If the medicine is working well enough to heal me.
Maybe, only God can. I hope He will while I am still begging Him to in constant prayer.
* * * * *
In the meantime, my faith in His goodness and His constant vigil over me sustains me. As I wrote earlier today - God runs ahead.
Dee,
your not alone, if this is in God’s will for you, he will send a sweet stillest though you,
blessings/huggs
It’s difficult to make any decision while in depression I continue to pray for you. Hugs from SoCal
Hi Dee -
Thanks for your honesty. I will be praying for you. I suffered from depression, although it was undiagnosed, when my kids were little. I was so tired from being a mom to 3 kids 2 and under, my dad died, then my mom died several months later. I remember feeling so much anxiety, I would talk with someone about something, then re-think what I said and re-think it again, and work myself into a tissy for whatever reason wishing that I had said something different, or done something different. I was very anxious when I left my house. This went on for several years until I started in-depth bible study (and more sleep helped too), I was able to find my peace in the Lord, I wallpapered my mind with scripture. When I started to get anxious I would read scriptures out loud until I could re-focus. God’s word and verbalizing it released me from the inner workings of my own flesh.
Huge blessings to you.
Love,
Tammy
Dee, God bless you. I’ve been praying for you, too. He sees and understands, and He will sustain you. When in the fog and the darkness, it’s hard to feel that. I know. With our heads, we know it; with our hearts, it’s not as easy to feel sometimes. I’ve prayed about things in my life and could not get past “Dear Father” before the tears start falling. And it’s hard. When it’s like that, I have to just get quiet someplace, like you did on the deck in the sun, and wait for His peace to come.
I pray the trip to see your Mom will be a pleasant one. I will be praying for your safe journey and an uplifting visit.
Know you’re not alone, as jel says. God Himself will uphold you, and we are all here for you. I send you my love and prayers. God bless.
Still praying for you, dear sister.
-bill
I’ll second Greg’s hugs and add them in from Central Florida.
I have so-o-o been there! Agonizing over every decision. Guilt once the decision is made. My dh backing me up on the decision, but I still could not accept it. It is hard to explain how inadequate I would feel (sometimes still do). Evem guilt for some of his (dh) decisions, because wondering if I talked him into it, even when I know I didn’t. Again hard to put in words, but I think you know exactly what I mean. Pat
I am not sure if you’re getting the relief you should be from the medication. Perhaps it is time for an adjustment in meds. or perhaps a different type. Even with the circumstances surrounding you…it should be working better for you that it appears to be at the present…meaning amidst the thoughts that you are having…you should not be having the same emotional reactions…there should be focus. Just want you to feel like you should when on this type of medication!
Dee - how are you doing today? Just thinking about you.
Praying!
flybyhugging
Dee, you will triumph over this.
God is faithful.
Hang in there sis.
Dee, I don’t know the answers. You won’t regret spending that time with your mother … maybe peek on the other side of your visit and know how glad you will be to have made the trip. You are loved, sweet sister.