Finding Direction: The Wind Vane Chronicles

While the "official" relationship between my husband, Tom, and my son, Mark, may be "stepdad" and "stepson," they are actually two peas in a pod in lots of ways. Most ways, actually. But, probably the most important way in which they are alike, much to my chagrin, is in their joy in telling what they think are funny "Dee/Mom" stories and then gleefully laughing. They revel in watching me squirm as they relate yet, again, for at least the 100th time, to a new unwitting individual some hilarious story at my expense.

Part of the problem is that while I may have had a 4.0 in college, in Communication, no less, and a law degree, which involves extensive good use of the English language in legal writing and expounding, I cannot ever quite get the simplest of expressions out correctly. I mean, I’m the idiot who stated emphatically one day (in trying to say how it’s hard for people to learn and change) that "It’s hard to teach an old dog to change it’s spots."

Well - I was close. Mixed metaphors, not withstanding. They got the point. But, I still get jabs about that one some 15 years later. Yeah - it’s been that long, but some old dogs don’t forget their wives’ idiosyncrasies.

There are many other stories I could tell you about here, but I won’t. You get the picture. Go ahead and laugh for five minutes and that should about cover it. Just think of dumb things to say, or maybe that you’ve said in the past, and relate.

I do have to tell you one more story, though, because this one is their all time favorite and most often told. In fact, don’t tell them that I’m telling you this one here because that would greatly disappoint them next time they might see you and want to relate it. And, believe me, sooner or later (most likely, sooner) it would come out. They would just say his name "Captain John W. Gulf" to each other and start laughing before they could ever get the story out.

Here’s how it goes. Well, no. Before I tell you the infamous story, I have to tell you one more very important thing. Tom is always right. I’m not kidding here. I’ve tested it scientifically. He is. Well, by my best calculations it is actually 99.99% of the time, but that’s way closer to "always" than I’ll ever get. And, I made the mistake one time years ago, way before we were married (another hilarious "Dee" story to hear him tell it) of writing it down on a piece of paper, which he immediately slipped under the desk pad in front of him at work (I was in his office at the time) so he could look at it at will and pull it out to remind me of that fact whenever. He’s not only right all of the time, but he knows it and takes full advantage.

Anyway, because of all of these factors, I was actually set up, without knowing it. Without him even knowing it, either, except maybe subconsciously. He just did what comes naturally with him. Expounded on something and I believed every word he said without hesitation or scintilla of doubt.

This was probably 15 years ago, too, or more, as we were driving along the coast highway over in Missisippi. We were just "meandering" along, if you will, enjoying all of the sites along the beach, looking at boats (his absolutely favorite thing to do on a drive) and enjoying the lovely afternoon. This may have even been while I was in law school and I was taking a break from my 18 hour a day studies. Anyway, we came through Bay St. Louis, crossed the bay into Pass Christian and Long Beach and then came into Gulfport. It was a leisurely drive and as we came through the south edge of downtown along Highway 90, I looked to the left and saw a big bronze statue standing proudly looking out over Highway 90 and Gulfport harbor. You know the kind - you see them often as you come through towns and cities.

Even though I had lived over on the coast for a couple of years before law school, I had never noticed that particular statue before and commented to Tom, ‘I wonder who that is?"

"Oh," he said knowingly, ‘That’s Captain John W. Gulf, the founder of Gulfport."

"Really!?!" I exclaimed without hesitation. "I didn’t know that."

After the hilarious laughing of about five minutes subsided on his part, he said, "I have no idea who that is and Gulfport has it’s name because it’s on the gulf and it’s a port!" He didn’t add "dummy," but he could have.

It just caught me off guard, you know?! And, he sounded so authoritative. He even knew his middle initial - "W." Captain John W. Gulf. And, besides, he’s always right.

Well - it’s not that funny, in my opinion, although you can’t tell Tom and Mark that. They just say the Captain’s name and the uncontrollable mirth starts. They love to tell that story. That’s by far their favorite story and I suppose I’ll hear it until the day I die. And, I’m sure, without a doubt, that they’ll be still telling that story long after I’m gone. But, that’s okay. I can handle it. I mean - they are who they are and I have to make the best of it. I love them, anyway, even if they do like to laugh at me.

Besides, it’s way too late at this point to do anything about it. After all, "You can’t get an old dog to change it’s spots."