Finding Direction: The Wind Vane Chronicles

I’m still here.

I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed and in shock the past several days with this new turn of events in my life, but have been doing my best, at Tom’s guidance, which is God given, to focus on my life one precious moment at a time.

And I literally mean, from one moment to the next.  That is the only way I’m able to cope, and as I’ve said many times here in my blog the past three years, that is the way God directs us to live in Him all the time.  

It’s not that we are not to plan for the future or to work on things to come, but at the same time, our total reliance must be in Him to work it all out in our lives.

This concept and way of living as a Christian has long been an overriding factor in my life as I’ve faced one struggle after another over many, many years.  Now, as I’ve gotten older and the health problems stack up higher and higher from being diabetic now 38 years, I’ve had to continue to live this principle just for survival’s sake.

As you all know, I also suffer from chronic depression, and have just gone through a very severe one the past many months until mid-January when I sought long overdue medical help for it and began taking a new and vastly improved medication for that.  I’m now on three doses a day of the meds and must say that without that benefit, I would not be functioning at all right now with these added burdens, so am very thankful to God (and my doctors) for helping free me of that heavy burden.

Since I got home last Friday night, I’ve had a lot of things to keep up with all hours of the day as I wrote in my last blog post.  Tom and I spent the entire weekend at home alone together trying to get caught up on our rest and trying to get used to the new routine.

Yesterday and today I have had to get up early to take my morning BP medicine and then get going to take care of a lot of things.  It hasn’t been easy, but (again) by taking just one minute at a time, I’ve managed to get through the days until right now, this minute, when it is 4 p.m. here on Tuesday afternoon.

In trying to keep my blood pressures during the day and evening somewhat regulated by medication, I feel as if I were playing Russian roulette because the blood pressures are ever changing every time I take them.  I’m happy to say that my sitting and standing pressures have over all been good for most of the day and all evening, but my lying down blood pressures on medication go way too high.

In facing this major new health problem, we’re (me and my doctors) are having to try to reach some reasonable balance wherein I can function the majority of the time.  It isn’t easy.

I’ll say this – while I’m able to function with my blood pressure being too high, there is NO way I can function with it too low, so must accept that fact and try to live with it as best I can.  As I said in my last post, I’ve gotten to the point in my diabetic life with all of its complications, including the loss of heart function, diastolic congestive heart failure, loss of kidney function, loss of some bladder function, four strokes, etc, that there is really no good solution to all of the problems with one piled up upon all the others.

As far as being depressed – I’ve been on a roller coaster with that every day, being up one minute and down the next.  When I talk about my current situation and being depressed, I think that what I’m experiencing is perfectly "normal" in having to face a new serious health problem and having had spent five days bedfast in the hospital in a semi-private room with all the interruptions by hospital staff, etc.

Also, as the days go along I get tired and then get depressed because of it.  Yesterday was really my first "optimistic" day since I went in the hospital and I began to think ahead in a positive way for the very first time (and not lose any sleep over worrying about my entire future!).  However, by late afternoon, fatigue and depression had set in and I had to sit and have a long talk with Tom yesterday evening to regain a better sense of "self" as being resourceful, organized and coping well.  He is truly the greatest blessing I have ever had in my life and my constant and steady source of hope.

I am tiring as I write because this has been a long day and I have had to do a lot of things, like get up and drive 25 miles to Slidell first thing this morning by myself and spend the entire morning there while fasting(!?) for some lengthy blood tests.  I am wavering in strength, but not in will.  I struggle, but I am not without deep faith that God will provide what I need to see me through the rest of the day and evening.

Your prayers, many comments and emails and wonderful concerns for me and for Tom have been constantly in my mind and in my heart.  Last week, during the sometimes long dark nights alone in a strange bed, I would lie and think of these things to try to get through the nights.  They are ever a source to me of comfort.  Be assured of that, my dear friends.

I will write a post again tomorrow, Lord willing, or at least the day after.

Please continue to remember me and Tom in prayer, as I lift you all up, too, daily.

Cheers & Blessings to you all today!  Dee

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