Thanks to E-Mails . . .
October 9th, 2008 at 9:19 am by Dee O'Neil Andrews
[Note: Your much needed prayers are being answered. Tom's hip is a bit better. Enough so, that he's not having to take pain medication as often, anyway. He sees his doctor again this afternoon to go over X-rays he had done two days ago to see what they show - if anything. Then the doctor will decide where to go from here. He's now sleeping with a wrist brace on his right hand to help his right elbow. I'm telling ya - this getting older business is not fun! But, at least we are together to help each other. At least empathize! Dee]
I thought we needed something light today to give us some relief from all of the gloom and doom of the entire world around us. So - enjoy. These are funny.
I just want to thank all of you
for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door
without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the
channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood
anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty
germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your
nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years.
I can't touch any
woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one
about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope! that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their
cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
I no longer buy
expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from
Ha! Good stuff, Dee!
Good to hear about Tom.
Let me tell you, when you spend 4 days in the Colorado Backcountry, sleeping in tents,eating food from a mess kit that you clean with a little TP and water, and your “restroom” involves asking, “Hey, who has the shovel,” that other stuff doesn’t bother you.
Now I’m paranoid about touching my computer mouse! What if I failed to wash my hands after picking my nose on the way to the office? Exactly what kind of germs are transmitted from one’s nostril to a mouse? Somebody really needs to do a study on this and let us know!!
Sorry to hear about Tom…I have not checked on blogs in the last few days so I had not heard! Hope everything gets better soon. If you need anything let us know!
So glad Tom is some better.
Thanks for the chuckles……….
Dee,
You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad that Tom is so much better.
I want you to know that if you ever need anything let me know. Keep up the great work you do with your blog. It is a fantastic read and well worth my time. I hope you and your family have a great weekend.
Wow… you sound just like my email. I routinely delete everything that starts with FW: just because I am tired of telling people to check Snopes or Truthorfiction.com before they forward things.
Oh, you left out the one that says Mr. Rogers always wore long sleeves to cover his combat tattoos he earned as a Navy SEAL…