Finding Direction: The Wind Vane Chronicles

Sorry (Greg) I couldn’t get back to you guys yesterday evening after going for the second time to try to get four MRI pictures.  I was wiped out by the time we got home (the place is about an hour away and we’d made a couple of stops coming home – one to eat), took a pain pill, sat in traction for 20 minutes, and then lay back in the recliner with the heating pad on and slept the rest of the evening until bedtime.

Oh yeah – you want to know how it went.  I was afraid of that. 

Well . . . I told Mike the tech as we went in that I was going to do it this time.  It was all I had been thinking and praying about for two whole days.  I’d just taken my sedative and thought I was calm and ready.  Tom was just outside and I knew y’all had been praying for me and I had my mantras ready.

Mike had tried three times unsuccessfully on Monday to get even one picture.  He strapped me in, turned on the soft music and gave me my instructions.  But, no matter how calm I tried to be and no matter what I thought of to be still (like saying certain words over and over or asking God to hold me in His hands), I tensed up, once again.  I blew it and knew it.

When the time was up, Mike told me that try was much worse than any of the 3 times on Monday.  He said it looked like I was trying to jump off the table.  He told me I couldn’t move even my feet or hands and that being tense would make me twitch (which my feet were).  He said just that slight move was like throwing a rock in the water and having the ripples spread ever further out all through my body.

I understood.  I knew I had one last chance and this was going to be it as we started a second time.  I thought about all the prayers and I thought about God being with me – in me – and how much I needed these MRIs.  I swallowed one last time, cleared my throat and the machine began knocking for four minutes for a picture.

I panicked.  Totally panicked.  Totally came unglued.

When the sounds stopped, before Mike could say anything, I told him, "Mike.  I panicked."  I knew it was over and I was extremely upset.

He said, "I thought you took your pill."  I said that I had.  We starting talking about all of it and had a long conversation, me still strapped in surrounded by the machine.  He said he wasn’t upset with me and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  He said that what we both wanted was to get the 4 good pictures we needed.  I asked him if I could come out from under the machine for a bit, but he said I couldn’t sit up or anything or really move because it would screw up all that he’d done to get me ready and that we’d have to start all over again.

I asked him if I could just lie still for a couple of minutes and he said yes.  We kept talking, me asking if there was any other way I could do this MRI, but he said no.  We talked about a lot of things.  About how many pictures he needed – four – but he said, just one at a time, for about four minutes apiece.  Finally, he asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him I wanted to try one more time, if he were willing, and he agreed.

This time, this 6th and absolutely last chance time, I realized I had to take a totally different approach to this in my mind and head.  So, I started thinking about sex.  I know, I know, that’s not what you were expecting me to say.  Not some profound insight or inspirational vision.  But, actually, it was.  I mean, I started thinking about things between Tom and I over the years, about sex and love and remembrances of important events in our lives.  I thought of all of the good things between us and how much they meant to me and how he’s always made me feel so loved.

I thought much of the time about how I felt when I first regained consciousness after my heart surgery and five by-passes when my body was totally paralyzed by drugs, so that I couldn’t even move a finger when Tom touched my hand and told me he loved me.  (You’ve got to read this, if your haven’t - "Out of the Darkness".)    

 It worked!! 

When the knocking stopped and Mike spoke to me he said, rather amazed, "That was a perfect picture!"  I told him, "Mike.  I have this figured out.  I was thinking about sex."  He thought that was funny and was very amused.  We talked and joked about it through four more perfect pictures, y’all!  (He did an extra one because he wasn’t completely satisfied with one – not up to his perfectionist standards.)

So, I had five horrible tries at getting MRI pictures and then five perfect ones in a row!  Mike told me I was the first person in 20 years to ever tell him they were thinking about sex to stay still and calm for an MRI.  (That figures, I thought.)  He said, well, I guess you’re ready to go home now, huh?!  He said he wished he could tell patients to try that, but was afraid he’d get fired.

He walked me out and smiled at Tom, who was waiting for me.  As we got in the car, I was telling Tom my experiences and we sat there laughing.  About that time, Mike came striding out the door in front of us to go home (I’d been in there for over an hour with him and was his last patient of the day).  He saw us and started smiling real big and waving at us.  I think I’d made his day.

I know.  I’m crazy.  But, hey – y’all already knew that about me.  Tom’s known that about me from the beginning, which is why he likes me so much. 

God knows me, too, and loves me as one of His crazy kids!  He loved me enough to bring Tom into my broken life to love me, cherish me and to protect me from all harm that he can.  He has been incredibly tender and kind to me through this and that helps me more than you’ll ever know.

But know this; no matter what, God will be my protecter and Guide and faithful to me even in my hours of deepest pain.  They continue for now,  but I hold on as tightly as I can.

Much love to you all today!  Dee