Finding Direction: The Wind Vane Chronicles

I feel very blessed at my age, because I still have my mom.  She is 88 and I have written a lot about her here.

I was her first child, so I am the one who caused her to first become a mother.  I don’t know about her thoughts, but that makes me happy.  (After receiving a mother’s day gift from me and we were talking about all of this, she laughingly said, “well . . . I could have waited a while before becoming a mom, you know,” meaning, then where would I be.)  I’m just happy that my mom still – most of the time – has her sense of humor intact.  Sometimes, these days, nothing seems left intact of what she once was – was for her entire life, actually, up until now.

These days sadden me greatly.  Losing my mom here and now while she is still alive.  She is the last person I would have ever thought would go this way because she has always been so sharp, witty, very intelligent, lovely, caring, having all the best qualities a mother can have.  She has had them all.  I wonder if they are still there, somewhere hidden, deep in her mind.  Or, has her mind diminished to the point that it no longer matters, one way or another.

I do not know how to deal with this reality.  I grieve.  I cry.  I care.  I call her and I try to get her to laugh with me about things, even little things.

I call nearly every day, sometimes two or three times a day.  She has good days and bad days, which I’ve been aware of now for several months in talking with her on the phone.

But, no one else seems to realize what has happened.  They either do not, or can not, see it or else they do not  want to do so.  It is a very hard fact to come to grips with.  I want to deny it, myself, but for her sake, cannot conscientiously do so.  Yet, what can I do?

I have not seen her since last September, we live so far away and so many things have intervened.  First, it was too soon to go back.  Then, holidays and winter stormed in, one on top of the other, and the winter was really bad out there.  Even here, we had too much cold.  Spring was about to herald and I was preparing to go out – in April – to see about her and to hopefully take at least one last, short trip with her and Laura, to see the beautiful wildflowers Texas is known so well for.  Endless fields of bluebonnets, Indian paint brushes, golden meadows of some kind of small flowers that blanket miles of hilly fields.

Tom had his heart surgery; I could not (still can’t) go.  But, Mom and Laura got to drive out from Abilene to see wildflowers there, so I was happy for her.

I hope to go soon now.  Lord willing.

I am a mother, too, but will let my children speak of me.  The two who still will.  The third – I do not know his troubled mind or heart.  Only God knows, and I pray each day God will lead him back to me.  God has blessed me such before when in the past I had a wandering child.  Blessed me richly.

For today – I am celebrating Mother’s Day for not only myself, but all those who have mothers, and we all do, whether living or having left this world.  Jesus had a mother and he deeply loved and cared for her.  Thus, she is remembered.  My mom, as yours, shall be remembered by us always, in whatever way.  I hope you will join me in remembering moms.  Remembering good moms and those who wish they could have been good moms, or better moms, because God knows, with me as a mom, I always tried to do my best – and still do.  I think my mom does, as well.

My dear son, Mark, who lives close by, has invited us to dinner (as in Mother’s Day Sunday Dinner, which comes after church and hours before Sunday “supper,” for those of you not from the south!) and we are going.  God bless him and his wife for thinking of me and wanting to celebrate with me this day.  It holds special meaning for me this year beyond any one that has gone before.  I am happy to have my mom and to be a mom, no matter hard the times may be.

Thank you, Father, for this Mother’s Day.

Dee