Finding Direction: The Wind Vane Chronicles

I'm still here.

I've been feeling completely overwhelmed and in shock the past several days with this new turn of events in my life, but have been doing my best, at Tom's guidance, which is God given, to focus on my life one precious moment at a time.

And I literally mean, from one moment to the next.  That is the only way I'm able to cope, and as I've said many times here in my blog the past three years, that is the way God directs us to live in Him all the time.  

It's not that we are not to plan for the future or to work on things to come, but at the same time, our total reliance must be in Him to work it all out in our lives.

This concept and way of living as a Christian has long been an overriding factor in my life as I've faced one struggle after another over many, many years.  Now, as I've gotten older and the health problems stack up higher and higher from being diabetic now 38 years, I've had to continue to live this principle just for survival's sake.

As you all know, I also suffer from chronic depression, and have just gone through a very severe one the past many months until mid-January when I sought long overdue medical help for it and began taking a new and vastly improved medication for that.  I'm now on three doses a day of the meds and must say that without that benefit, I would not be functioning at all right now with these added burdens, so am very thankful to God (and my doctors) for helping free me of that heavy burden.

Since I got home last Friday night, I've had a lot of things to keep up with all hours of the day as I wrote in my last blog post.  Tom and I spent the entire weekend at home alone together trying to get caught up on our rest and trying to get used to the new routine.

Yesterday and today I have had to get up early to take my morning BP medicine and then get going to take care of a lot of things.  It hasn't been easy, but (again) by taking just one minute at a time, I've managed to get through the days until right now, this minute, when it is 4 p.m. here on Tuesday afternoon.

In trying to keep my blood pressures during the day and evening somewhat regulated by medication, I feel as if I were playing Russian roulette because the blood pressures are ever changing every time I take them.  I'm happy to say that my sitting and standing pressures have over all been good for most of the day and all evening, but my lying down blood pressures on medication go way too high.

In facing this major new health problem, we're (me and my doctors) are having to try to reach some reasonable balance wherein I can function the majority of the time.  It isn't easy.

I'll say this - while I'm able to function with my blood pressure being too high, there is NO way I can function with it too low, so must accept that fact and try to live with it as best I can.  As I said in my last post, I've gotten to the point in my diabetic life with all of its complications, including the loss of heart function, diastolic congestive heart failure, loss of kidney function, loss of some bladder function, four strokes, etc, that there is really no good solution to all of the problems with one piled up upon all the others.

As far as being depressed - I've been on a roller coaster with that every day, being up one minute and down the next.  When I talk about my current situation and being depressed, I think that what I'm experiencing is perfectly "normal" in having to face a new serious health problem and having had spent five days bedfast in the hospital in a semi-private room with all the interruptions by hospital staff, etc.

Also, as the days go along I get tired and then get depressed because of it.  Yesterday was really my first "optimistic" day since I went in the hospital and I began to think ahead in a positive way for the very first time (and not lose any sleep over worrying about my entire future!).  However, by late afternoon, fatigue and depression had set in and I had to sit and have a long talk with Tom yesterday evening to regain a better sense of "self" as being resourceful, organized and coping well.  He is truly the greatest blessing I have ever had in my life and my constant and steady source of hope.

I am tiring as I write because this has been a long day and I have had to do a lot of things, like get up and drive 25 miles to Slidell first thing this morning by myself and spend the entire morning there while fasting(!?) for some lengthy blood tests.  I am wavering in strength, but not in will.  I struggle, but I am not without deep faith that God will provide what I need to see me through the rest of the day and evening.

Your prayers, many comments and emails and wonderful concerns for me and for Tom have been constantly in my mind and in my heart.  Last week, during the sometimes long dark nights alone in a strange bed, I would lie and think of these things to try to get through the nights.  They are ever a source to me of comfort.  Be assured of that, my dear friends.

I will write a post again tomorrow, Lord willing, or at least the day after.

Please continue to remember me and Tom in prayer, as I lift you all up, too, daily.

Cheers & Blessings to you all today!  Dee

My autonomic vascular system has failed.

In laymen's terms, my blood vessels no longer constrict and open as they should due to my diabetes and my blood pressure plunges precipitously when I go from lying down to sitting to standing.  And the options to correct it are few and nebulous because of all of my other health problems.

This has been coming on for a few months, but Monday it apparently failed completely.  When I first got up, I was extremely lightheaded and could not even get dressed properly or get through the house.  My arms and legs began to shake uncontrollably and I fell twice, cracking my head and back, before I could get to the sofa to lie down.

I felt really bad and didn't try to get up again until about noon, when Tom came home for lunch, at which time I was able to get up for a few minutes and seemed okay.  But, I still felt bad and rested a couple more hours.

When I got up again about 3 p.m., I lost control and fell a third time, bruising my back and arms badly, so called Tom to come take me to the hospital E. R. in Slidell.  I couldn't function at all.

They admitted me and I spent the rest of the week bedridden while my internist and cardiologist ran numerous tests to try to determine and eliminate the cause of my nearly passing out when standing up at all.

They first did heart enzyme tests (3 blood tests) to see if my heart was involved (lacking in oxygen), but they were negative.  Then they kept doing orthostatic tests, which means that they kept checking my blood pressure while lying down, then sitting up, then standing.  Nothing helped.

Because of all of my health problems, including my congestive heart failure, there is only one medication that the cardiologist was able to try on me to raise my blood pressure when changing positions and it can only be taken on a limited basis each day during the day because it causes the systolic blood pressure (the higher one when you check your blood pressure) to go too high even when standing and for sure when you are lying down all night long sleeping.

I didn't start on it until noon Wednesday on a very low dose and since then we are trying to adjust it to the point where it will raise my blood pressure enough that I can function most of the time without raising it too high.

I wasn't released from the hospital until last night (Friday) until about 6 p.m. and so it was about 7 p.m. before we got home.  Tom and I were both wiped out and I was badly in need of a shower and to wash my hair.

I did that and then just what I had to do before watching TV for a while and then going to bed.

This is going to be a permanent condition and it is going to be very limiting, for at least a while.  I'm to take it easy for the next few days and not try to drive or get out walking a lot because I might pass out and fall again.

From now on I've got to sleep with my head elevated, wear support hose, at least on my lower legs, and move very slowly from a lying down or sitting position to standing up.  Like stand still for two or three minutes before trying to walk or move around.

Right now, I'm having to do orthostatic blood pressures (the 3 at a time from lying down to standing) at 8:30 a.m. and 3 p.m. and then check my blood pressure sitting down both at 5 p.m. and 10 p.m.  I'm taking the medication at 8:30 a.m. (5 mg.), 12:30 p.m. (2.5 mg) and again at 5 p.m., only if my systolic pressure (the upper number) is not over 150.

The 5 p.m. blood pressure and/or third dose of medication will probably be a permanent necessity, also, along with checking my blood sugars four or five times a day, thus necessitating me having to carry around everywhere not only my "sugar checker", but also my blood pressure monitor in the late afternoons and evenings.

This morning at 8:30 a.m. when I did my first orthostatic blood pressures and took my first pill my standing blood pressure was 85/53, which is really low for me and causes me to be very light headed.  At noon today, four hours after that dose, my standing blood pressure was still only 85/53, which is barely functioning.  I'm very concerned.

My blood pressures go up in the afternoon and have been the last two days in the evening, so it looks like, if this holds up, my functioning time in life from now on may only be in the afternoons and rest of the day.

I already have not been doing very well in the mornings, but have been able to get going most days by 9 a.m. or so.  Now, it looks like that's been pushed back until noon or after, so I can basically forget about mornings, except for probably sitting, which I can do in here in front of my computer and thus blog, etc, so that is a consolation of sorts.  Of course, it really limits what I'll be able to do in the mornings and that can be a huge drawback if I need to get out and go anywhere in the a.m.'s, like to fly out to see my mom in Abilene, which I had planned to do on Thursday!

This condition is going to be much more limiting than my diabetes with an insulin pump (the last 8 years) has been.  Tom had to call the airlines and cancel my reservation Wednesday, which is going to cost me $100 more to re-book sometime within the next year.  Not only that, I just don't see how I can fly anywhere any time soon because there's no way I can function all day long to try to catch planes and change planes, etc.  

I might be able to go if I can get help from the airlines with a wheelchair, so that I don't have to be standing and trying to maneuver through airports.  Of course, that means, also, allowing enough times between flights to make it from one terminal to another to fly from Dallas to Abilene.  Sometimes it is a very long hike.

I guess that's about it for now.  I'm sort of in a state of shock over all of this at the moment, I have to say, and it's weighing heavy on my mind and heart.  

Tom, as always, has been an absolute God send for me and never ever waivers in his love and dedication for me.  He has been constantly present and positive about everything, and I do mean everything, as we face this new phase of life together. 

His attitude is that whatever comes, we can and will handle it together, taking just one day at a time and coping for that day.

Today (Saturday) has been wonderful.  We slept in (I got up and took my medications at 8:30 a.m. and went back to bed, and have had a leisurely afternoon after I worked on some laundry, which was piled up, and worked on the house in all that needed to be done.

He has had a terribly sore foot (the ball of his left big toe) all week, and not only has it kept him awake all night with pain, it is swollen to where he can hardly get his shoe on.  He's been on his feet with work all week and coming back and forth to the hospital (20 miles from our home) to see about me and to bring me good lunches two days.  (The hospital food lacks a lot, to say the least.)

He has been staying off of his feet today and his foot is feeling much better.  He hopes that if he can rest tomorrow, as well, the ball of his foot will begin to heal.

We're a pair, I'll tell ya.

Poor guy had go leave a few minutes ago to go pick up just a few groceries for us because I'd been out of pocket all week.  But, he plans to grill a couple of steaks for us this evening and then we'll sit together on the back porch with blues music playing in the background, so that is my great evening to look forward to.

God has been my constant companion this week, as well as the encouragement of all of y'all's prayers and best wishes.  I taught Tom how to get into Finding Direction so he could do that post the other night and he was able to do it from his new cell phone from the hospital.  Isn't that really neat?!  He brought his laptop down from work, but the hospital isn't connected wirelessly, so I couldn't use to to do anything myself.  And, boy did I miss my computer this week.  I could have really used one to write blog posts and to read blogs, because I was bedfast and terribly bored.

Please continue to pray for both of us.  We both need prays in different, but integral ways.  Me to be able to gain stability in my functioning and he to minister to me.  And, of course, for his foot to get better, which it seems to be doing.

I'm sorry this is such a long post.  I hope that I've explained everything to where you can understand it.  The important thing is that I'm home and Tom and I are together and God is constantly with us through all.  I have overcome much before in my life over the years in a myriad of ways and God has never failed to help me in my need.  I have faced times before when I thought my life was basically over that made a turn for the better to the point that they didn't seem like such limitations at all.  I trust that this time will prove the same.

God bless you all for being such dear friends!  I will post again in a day or two, as I have time between blood pressure/blood sugar checks(!) and hope to hear from you all in the meantime.  

Much love,

Dee

She is ok, just some tests to see why her blood pressure drops so low when she stands up. She will get back to blogging in a few days. Tom

Those of you who drop by must try this short test on the way you talk - Yankee or Dixie:

Yankee or Dixie Test

It is a real, valid test, by the way. It only takes a minute or two to take and is fascinating, as well as just plain fun. Find out from the way you talk and use language whether you're really the Yankee or the Dixiecrat you thought you were! I thought all along from my answers that I was a rather nondescript person, but found out to my surprise that I'm 86% Dixie, after all! I suppose that figures since I've mainly lived in the South my whole life.

However - it is a little known or published fact that I was actually born in Chicago, Illinois due purely to an accident of birth! I've also lived in St. Louis, Missouri, as well as West and East Texas, Virginia, Mississippi, Louisiana, and now back in Mississippi.

How about you? Take the test, get your score and comment on where (all) you are from and what your Yankee/Dixie percentage is. This will be fun.

Those are the two most common hits I get on my blog, other than people looking specifically for me, so I thought I'd just post about them to give the people out there searching one place to land to find out what they want to know.  

After all - this is a full service blog, you know.

Speaking of fractures - the only way to know for sure if you fractured your foot is to seek medical help.  You have to have an X-ray of your foot to know for sure if any bones are broken.

If you have any doubts - go to the doctor and find out for such because you could end up with permanent damage to your foot if you don't.  As for me - when I fractured my foot, I wasn't sure, but it swelled up really big and I knew something was wrong.

In my case, being diabetic for so long, I couldn't really feel anything, but I couldn't take any chances so went immediately (the same day) to the doctor.  It's a good thing I did because there was a break in the top of my foot going out to the second toe on my left foot.  It was severed entirely in half at an angle.

I went into a cast and had to go on crutches and not put any weight at all on it while it healed.   After a week, I got a scooter and stayed on it eight months!!  Stuck at home off my feet and unable to walk at all!! 

Thank goodness I was blogging and had something to do to occupy my time, because I spent all of my time here at my desk in front of my computer.  It was an ordeal, but I survived and have been very careful walking ever since, let me tell you, because I still have no idea how I broke my foot in the first place.

So, go to the doctor!  It's important.

As for wind vanes - a lot of people are looking for the direction of the wind where they live, wanting to know how a wind vane works or looking for pictures of them.  A few want to know how to build one and one person inquired what "west" means on a wind vane!  Duh!

To me all of the above seems simple, except maybe for trying to build a wind vane.   Wind vanes turn with the wind and point toward the direction the wind is blowing, whether toward the north, south, east or west.

I would think they would be rather easy to build, but don't know where you would find instructions to do so and don't have enough interest in it to look it up myself.  As far as I'm concerned, Google can keep sending searchers over here and I can try to make my blog interesting enough that I'll pick up new readers, right?!?

As for pictures of wind vanes, I had kind of a hard time finding one for my blog here.  Tom took some pictures of my wind vane that my dad gave me and lovingly restored while I was out in Abilene with him (I'll have to re-post that story for you, because it is one of my favorite "Wind Vane" stories), but they didn't turn out exactly like what I wanted.

I Googled wind vanes using Google Images and found a good many, but most were in advertisements for companies selling them and, again, not suitable for this prestigious blog. 

The one I finally found and settled on is here on my blog and is the wind vane on the cupola of Mt. Vernon, George Washington's home in Virginia, south of Washington, D. C.  I thought it was perfect and really like it here.  What do you think?

I'll tell you what, though.  Why don't y'all do me (and the inquiring public) a big favor and see if you can find any wind vane pictures, either online or maybe somewhere in your vast collection of photographs, and email them to me at "dee_andrews@bellsouth.net"?!  Okay? 

I'll post some here on my blog so that when people start searching for pictures of them, they can find them here.  In fact, I'll start by posting below some of the pictures of wind vanes that I found when I was searching for a suitable one for Finding Direction, including a bigger photo of the Mt. Vernon wind vane.  I can't find at the moment any of the pictures Tom took of my wind vane, Harvey (another "Wind Vane" story).  But, here goes:

This was as large as I could get the picture without pixeling it, so I decided not to use it.

The next one would fit in with my home state of Texas, but didn't look good with my banner across the top here, so I didn't use it, either.  I needed something more "classy" looking:

As you can see, the picture is rather blurry, too!

Here's a larger Mt. Vernon wind vane, the one I chose:

Okay - now that you've seen the ones I found, see if you can find some and send them to me so I can post them here for passers-by.  In the meantime, while you're hunting wind vane pictures to send me . . .

Have a great and blessed weekend!  Much love, Dee

P. S.  I'm feeling good so far today, so let's pray that continues.  This weekend (Sunday, March 2) happens to be my birthday and 17th wedding anniversary!  So, we're having a "birthday/anniversary" weekend.  I have it marked on my calendar here on my desk.  I'm going to get my hair done in the morning and Tom's taking me out for dinner at a really nice place tomorrow night.  Saturday evening we're getting together with friends on the Mississippi gulf coast for a birthday celebration, because three people among the five couples are having birthdays in the next few days.  Then, Sunday, Tom is taking me out for a champagne brunch at a really nice place.  We decided to do this instead of going somewhere for the weekend.  We like being at home in our new house here out in the woods.

We've increased my medication level, again, and I think it's helping already.  Plus, all of your prayers for me, along with my own non-stop praying.

Today is a busy day and I was out all morning.  It's nearly 1:30 now, but Tom hasn't been able to leave work yet to come home for lunch.  I hope he will soon because he's got to go to Slidell about 2:15 for a doctor's visit.  I've gotten everything done around the house already that I was going to do today, so think I may take the ride to Slidell with him.  Just to be out and about.

It's cold today and a bit windy, but bright and sunny with robin's egg blue skies.  That helps my spirits - just to be able to go out in warm clothes and "do" things.  I think I spend too much time at home alone and it's not good for me.  Except for the blogging, of course.

Which reminds me - I need to do some here while I wait for Tom.  A couple of you dear friends have sent me long emails this week that I need to answer and a couple of you have lost parents in the past two or three days, so I need to send condolences.  I feel a unique sense of responsibility to all of you who come by here to spend time with me and want to honor that.

I appreciate all of you more than you'll ever know.

By the way - two of my loyal readers are my son, Mark, and his lovely wife - and my lovely daughter-in-law, Lynn.  They both have excellent blogs two each) that are quite different than mine in some ways, but not so much in others.  They write about their family, but both in a very spiritual way that really inspires and uplifts me.

So, I encourage you all to take the time to read through some of their posts (Mark doesn't post very often, but they are always excellent!).  Check my links on the right side here and find them under Mark O'Neil #1, Mark O'Neil #2, Lynn O'Neil #1 and Lynn O'Neil #2.  You'll be blessed!

Much love, Dee 

I'm feeling better today over all.  Thanks for all of your prayers and emails.

I don't have time to write more right now, but wanted to check in here with y'all because I've gotten so many inquiries.  

I'll try to write more later this evening if I can find the time or sometime tomorrow.  We're going to be out of pocket in the morning, but I should have time tomorrow afternoon.  I want to write and will because it helps my depression considerably.  Writing and talking.  I'll blog about it more tomorrow.

Keep praying - please!  THANKS!!  Much love, Dee

In my depression, sometimes I feel as if I'm alone in the world and that no one else has a clue to who I really am.  Not even Tom, who knows me better than anyone else in the world, and has for nearly 30 years, although we've only been married 17 (as of this coming Sunday, which is also my birthday).

I'm suffering from extreme anxiety this afternoon and all because I want to go see my mom.  I've been homesick, now, for several weeks.

Chalk it up to the depression, or because of her age (now 86), or maybe just because I haven't seen her since last July.  Whatever it is, it is real.

Well, you say - then, why don't you go see her?

My answer . . .?  The reason I'm so anxiety ridden is because I have made plans to go see her.

I know - it doesn't make sense, but then, any more my life doesn't.  It seems to be cast adrift in some unknown territory, from which I cannot return.  

I got online this afternoon and bought a ticket to go see her out in Abilene in a couple of weeks and plan to stay for a week and a half.  I talked with Tom as I was doing it, to obtain his approval - although I know I always have his utmost blessing, and called my mom to make sure that met with her "schedule."  Not that she has one, you understand.

It did.

So, I booked a ticket and charged it to our credit card.  So far, so good.

But, that was when I began to feel really anxious about the whole thing.  Leaving Tom (although he doesn't mind and he is gone a lot).  Being gone.  Wondering whether I should have spent the money.  Wondering if I could handle all of the stress of the trip, dealing with going, the airports, changing flights in Dallas going on to Abilene, on and on.

Things that would have "once upon a time" been exceedingly easy for me, one who could always handle everything well.

Which brings me back to how I'm feeling this afternoon.  As if no one else ever in the universe has ever felt this way.  So anxiety ridden in the face of something that should be a good thing in every way.  Going home to see Mom.

*   *   *   *   *

I went out on the deck and sat in the sun for the longest time while ago.  Trying to regain my bearings and perspective.

It's hard these days.

*   *   *   *   *

I hope and pray that you never suffer from the kind of depressions I have, including the one now.  In many ways, this time - now with the new medication - I'm doing better.  But, I wonder if it is enough.  If the medicine is working well enough to heal me.

Maybe, only God can.  I hope He will while I am still begging Him to in constant prayer.

*   *   *   *   *

In the meantime, my faith in His goodness and His constant vigil over me sustains me.  As I wrote earlier today - God runs ahead.